The initial wake up call:
I was sitting in a chair… I think it was our lunch break. We were sitting around a round table – our table.
I was in my senior year in High School and exams were closing in. I was working 2 jobs, I lived by myself in a really nice (but also expensive) apartment and I was getting great results in school.
I was helping my mom a lot; spending a lot of time with my youngest siblings.
I was trying to work things out with my father (Still, secretly, clinging on to the hope that if I just did well enough he might get so proud of me that he wanted to be a bigger part of my life…)
I had a lot of friends and I was president of the student council too.
On the outside I think everything looked great?!
I even fooled myself for a while…
I was the responsible, clever and friendly girl – I had everything under control. I thought of others and took great pride in being there for my friends and family when they needed me…
But I forgot to be there for myself…
That day – in the chair – I fainted.
I don’t remember it happening, but I remember waking up on the floor with my friends standing in around me, asking if I was okay…
Was I okay? In short – no!
I was trapped in my bad habits.
Trapped by the fact that everything seemed to be fine. But in truth I was fooling myself.
I was diagnosed with stress and saw a psychologist for a while. (again…)
Afterwards I never really spoke of it and I, eventually, forgot all about it. I slipped back into my old habits, knowing well enough how bad they are for me.
And here I am today – waking up again, to an all too familiar feeling.
My worst side:
I learned from an early age that being the “good girl” paid off.
It gave me the affirmation and attention that felt like the love I wanted.
(There is so much more to that story – much more than I can fit in here, but for now this is enough information.)
I grew up as the good girl; the helpful friend and daughter; the mature, well-read student that always got good grades…
It became me – I let it become me. I let it fill my entire being. I let it be the only thing I showed others.
And so it was what I became…
My family saw me as the helpful girl; everyone I knew expected me to get great marks on everything I handed in – I always felt they thought it just came naturally to me, which it does not! (They still do, I think, and it still drives me up the walls)
My friends always described me as the mom of the group – and it made me proud, happy, sad and annoyed all at the same time.
I hid in my books. They became my escape from reality – a place where I could be anything I wanted to be and where no one expected anything from me. When my peers teased and bullied me and called me names, I found refuge behind a book cover and the praise from teachers and adults directed at my reading skills.
I am still this being… I am still letting it be me.
All of me – all that I am…
I am leaving no room for anything else. And it hurts!
I am finding it so hard to let go and let others see that I am not perfect… I am making up excuses and trying so hard to cover up.. But deep inside me I know that I cannot hold this facade up much longer.
The past 2 years I have been letting go more and more and some of my friends now know and understand the person I am without this “mask of control”.
Keeping this side of me up, is slowly pulling me back down. It is killing “me”… But letting go of it feels like destroying myself completely.
Who am I?
“Who am I?” was a question I once came across in a book when I was 10 years old. I stayed with me, bouncing around in my mind and caused me to write a series of essays in school that must have confused my teacher plenty.
As most things in life, the question has changed over the past 14 years – always there, somewhere in my mind.
Back then I was wondering if we really are here or just figments of someone else’s mind… I was playing with the thought that we are just alive in some bigger beings dreams and thoughts…
Today I am wondering if there even is and “I” or if we are all just one big “thing” – a play of energy perhaps…? (Einstein’s theory of relativity (E=mc^2))
Or maybe we are all just thoughts that have been thought long enough to become static?
I don’t know…
Somehow it is easier to answer the question “Who am I not?”.
- I am not the perfect girl who others have seen.
- I am not the person that always gets good grades.
Trust me I have gotten some real shitty ones too.
- I am not always a good friend.
I am really bad at writing and calling people as often as I would like… I even do things from time to time that end up hurting the friends I love.
- I am not always the helpful daughter.
Sometimes I just cannot be because I need to take care of my own stuff, even though I know my help is needed. Sometimes I help too much and take over control… Neither is helpful.
- I do not have a perfect family (who does?)…
I have a dad that I rarely ever see and a mom that I have lived through and with for so long that I sometimes forget where I start and she ends. I don’t see my siblings very much and my extended family is full of drama and things we do not talk about.
- I do not have everything under control.
As I write this I am wondering if I chose wrong when I picked law school… Should I have gone after philosophy or something entirely different? Should I finish or drop out?
- I am not the perfect sister.
Half of my siblings I rarely see and it breaks my heart. But even though I feel that way I am finding it hard to change!
- I am not the perfect blogger – not even close.
Even though I love this blog I have been away from it for almost a month, right after posting the first part of a series… I simply started to break down again. Stress knocked on my door and scared the crap out of me. So I didn’t find the time to write… And I hate that.
- I am not the perfect girlfriend.
I cry a lot when I get frustrated.. or happy.. or sad.. or just need to explain something.. and I worry… I live in my head sometimes and other times I crave attention like crazy.
So what am I trying to get at here?
I am trying to say that I am getting stressed again – and that the reason I get stressed in the first place is because I am holding on the idea that I should be perfect. That I should be better and be all the things people around me are used to me being.
But I am in the process of waking up and I am trying to let go.
I am digging deep and looking at so many things from my past. I am cleaning up – it is hard and it feels really scary sometimes. But I am doing it!
I have been looking at myself critically for so long. It is time that I learn to look at myself with love and acceptance. It is time that I realize that not being perfect is perfectly fine!
The stress that I felt back then on the chair and the feeling of stress that I have right now are wake up calls for me to see and hear. I need to change my ways.
I write this partly just to remember what I have learned. I do not want to wake up again in another 4 years only to realize that I never changed this time either.
I think I need a mantra of some sort that I can tell myself every day to remain aware… Maybe something like this:
“I am loved and experience great joy. I love myself at any given moment in time. I look upon myself with acceptance and welcome all the emotions that visits my mind. I search for the gift in everything and practice gratefulness. I forgive myself for my imperfections and strive to be a more balanced me.”
Thank you so much for reading along <3
I welcome you to comment down below or on a social media of your choice.
Where ever you are and who ever you are – I wish you all the best.
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