Looking deep in the mirror – Is there a part of me who wants to be sick?

Looking deep in the mirror
Today’s post is a personal one.
Yesterday I went to the hospital for an emergency scanning of my uterus.

I have been experiencing pain that area for some time now and I have been bleeding heavily for 5 months.
I have been to the doctor several times in those 5 months, but have gone home with the same message every time: “It is not that serious. It will probably go away on its own.”
The day before yesterday I went again, and this time the message was different – “We need to get you looked at right now!”

So anyways.. I have been holding back and I need to take responsibility for that.
I should have been at the doctor every day until I get looked at, or I should have been more persistent when I was there.
But years and years of this pattern have left me feeling like a freak and a crazy person.
So sometime I don’t call my doctor, even though I should. I am just so sick and tired of being told that it is nothing and that it will just go away.

It makes me feel like it is a lot of effort for nothing!
But that is not true, is it?!
I am not nothing. My health is not nothing!

So I went. Again.

At the hospital it turns out that I have once again grown a “something” in my uterus. A big “something”!
What it is exactly, they won’t know until they get it out, but out it needs to come!

It also turned out that one of the doctors I saw at the hospital 6 months ago had seen that “something” in its early stages and not told me. Or told anyone. She had just made a small note of it in my medical journal.

So now – I am going to get it examined and removed on Monday.

A million thoughts: 

All of this has brought about a million thoughts.

Part of me is furious about the fact that one of the doctors knew something was wrong and chose not to tell!
Had she said something, I might not have had to go through 5 months of bleeding heavily, feeling like I could faint and being in pain.

Part of me wants to demand an explanation as to “why me!!??” and wants the doctors to take all of the responsibility!

Part of me wants to sit and cry on the sofa or bed, worrying about cancer and complications to the surgery etc.

And then there is the part of me that is searching for something deeper – something more than anger.
I can hear it asking me in the softest of voices “AK… What could be something negative about getting well?”

So provoking!

But I cannot help but think that it is provoking because it is a side of me I fear looking at.

Looking deep in the mirror: 

So I choose to play along… and ask myself:
“What could be a negative side to getting well?”
“Why am I holding myself back?”

Here is what I have come up with so far…

  1. Maybe I don’t think I deserve the best? Like really believe that I deserve the best… all the way into my cells. Maybe I feel like I am really not good enough to be truly happy?
    Is it only the truly perfect people who deserve happiness and all the best, AK? 
  2. Maybe I am terrified of getting well and not having PCOS and cysts etc. because that will cost me my excuse for not being perfect in school? What would be my excuse for not getting straight A’s if I am happy, healthy and well? Why, then, should I not be able to get A’s in all of my courses? What excuse will I have to give my family and friends when they ask? What about their expectations? What will I use then to take the pressure off myself?
    Do you really need to be the best in school all the time, AK? Who have taught your family to have those high expectations? And is it even their expectations that bother you – isn’t it your own expectations to yourself? What does it really prove when you get an A in school? 
  3. Maybe I am terrified of getting well and not having PCOS and cysts etc. because that will cost me my excuse for being overweight? Maybe I feel like I lose every excuse for not being able to keep my weight down and stable? What will be my excuse for rather wanting to spend Saturday on the couch with a book than spending it at the gym?
    Do you need to be thin to be good enough, AK? Is this another thing you need to be perfect at if you don’t have a legitimate excuse for not being perfect? Or is this another “truth” you are telling yourself? 
  4. Maybe I am terrified of getting well and not having PCOS and cysts etc. because it is super scary? I don’t even really remember what it was like being healthy and well… How would it feel to stand tall, happy and healthy in the world? Without my illness as a support for when everything becomes too much?
    Should you hold back every time something is unknown and new, AK? Do you really need that support or would it be okay to fall sometimes – to not be perfect and superhuman? 
  5. Maybe I am terrified of getting well and not having PCOS and cysts etc. because that would mean I lose all support and affection from other people? Maybe they won’t love me for being imperfect and happy? Maybe I will end up all alone?
    Would you really stop loving someone because they got well, AK? Do you not deserve love just because you aren’t ill? Is it really true in any way that your friends only love you because you have PCOS? 

So there they are…. My thoughts and provoking questions to myself.

Writing them out is a big step for me and, I think, a big help.

What might it be that I need to learn from all this?
When I read it over I see a pattern… It seems that I don’t actually believe that I am good enough!

I don’t like that!

I AM GOOD ENOUGH!

I need to understand that…

Everything you have ever wanted, is
Love <3
AK 



2 thoughts on “Looking deep in the mirror – Is there a part of me who wants to be sick?”

  • This is the most profound and deep piece of wisdom, I have heard in a long time. I bow to you and the courageous ability to look within and see this. The way you grow and learn from tough experiences and let go of the inner victim is admirable.

    Thank you for the blogpost of the century ❤️❤️❤️

    • Dearest friend
      Thank you so much for those kind and loving words. You have very much helped me to be able to look within myself and find the truth beneath the truth.
      I am letting go now of having to be perfect and letting go of the hiding place my illness has become. I deserve the best.
      Thank you again.

      Love ♡
      AK

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